new years resolution

to stop this from happening again.

she looks

like she once was beautiful, but now all the soul is gone from her dark rich brown eyes which were once round and full of light but now are flat and dull.
her long brown hair is knotted and tangled with the scent of pot and drinking.
she is the same height as me, but probably twenty pounds less, which places her around 90 pounds at 5ft9in.

the first thing my mother said when she saw me was, "you look a fucking beanpole, don't that father feed ya? He don't love you like i do."

no, "hi honey, happy birthday to my daughter that i abandoned fourteen years ago and haven't spoke to since."

you may say that since she left when i was three it really doesn't affect me. well having your father tell you that your mother left because she doesn't love you anymore leaves an imprint, a scar, a hole, that cannot be filled. She left in the middle of the night 14 years ago. she took the money, the tv and even the dog. but she forgot me and blake. thats what i told myself for 10 years until i accepted she wasn't coming back for us, but i didn't cry once, but now i felt the tears welling up in my eyes and i couldn't even look at her.

she asked me, "what happened to ya hair girl?" she meant where had my lovely stick bone brown locks that used to fall to my hip (the longest hair you have ever seen on a three year old) that we would brush every night gone. the correct response came quickly to my head, "well, after you left it stopped being taken care of. One night when I was 7 and we were living in a motel in Illinois Blake pulled my hair. I went to go and tell my father, being the tattletale seven year old we all were, but he was drinking. I forgot we were not supposed to talk to my father while we was drinking. For my punishment i took out his razorblade and grabbed my head. bit by bit he chopped off my hair until it was above my ears and sticking out at odd angles."
but i just shrugged my shoulders and rolled my eyes. she then asked me if i had a smoke.
i told her to fuck off and go find blake.

my mom

has decided that she would like to be a part of my life.



i feel like i have been stabbed with a million shards of glass.
straight to the heart.

somethings up

today is my seventeenth birthday.
happy birthday to me.

but i can tell something is up.
something bad. i can't put my finger on it but today everything is blurring together
greens and blues mix with the red and yellows of my family. it is getting harder to breathe in this house.

december 25

my father comes home too late.

i have all the presents wrapped (the list i previously posted) for my brothers.

my father walks into the house just as blake get in as well.
keep in mind this is around 3 in the morning on the 25th.

my dad is drunk, beyond just normally drunk, trashing around.
he looks at blake whose eyes are crusted red and his hair is sticking up at odd angles like he has been smoking and been on the streets in the snow.

my dad corners him and starts to beat on him about how irresponsible he has been (oh just look whose talking)
of course this wakes up erik and dylan who are unfortunatly used to the chaos but how can you keep calm when you are under ten and your dad is punching your older brother?

he tells us we are ungrateful little bastards and he burns all the christmas presents in the front yard yelling

"FUCK CHRISTMAS and FUCK YOU JESUS."

and hits us some more.

i will go out tomorrow and buy a couple little gifts to give to erik and dylan so they are not totally scarred for life.

christmas

and excuse to screw with your children.



thats okay. we didn't want any presents anyways.

two

i do not do drugs.
ever.
or drink. why?

i have seen the horrible actions they cause.
too many times.

my brother blake on the other hand; couldn't care less and smokes and drinks like it is going out of style. he puts out his cigarretts on his arm; creating lovely swirly designs up and down hisforearms.

my dad works at the 76station and comes home almost everynight smashed.
his girlfriend deals crack in our kitchen, on our kitchen table!
on our kitchen table!
MY kitchen table.

3 more

days until christmas
my christmas wish list

1. shoes!
2. cell phone (doubtful)
3. warm hat for the snow
4. vcr/dvd player - anything!
5. new bike-or at least some new tires.

well. one can always wish right?

my family is not all the big on christmas presents. Its the season of family not getting presents. However, I am planning on going all out for my brothers.

Blake: new skateboard. Actually pretty proud of this one. Goodwill shoved inbetween some couches. I'd say a good find.

Dylan: always difficult to shop for but i got him a pack of pokemon cards. He will basically go nuts. I cannot believe he is still into them.

Erik: hmmmm. this one i just picked up yesterday. I got him a holiday coloring book with some new crayons (ours have all broken in half execpt for the gross puck green color which Erik wont touch) It makes me laugh.

and last but not least: my dad. I still haven't figured out what to get him. Not like he will be getting us anything.

Not to mention santa still needs to come.

He will probably bring popcorn this year again or maybe apples to apples i saw at goodwill. I hope it is still there tomorrow!

6 more days until
my birthday.

9 more days til 2009
and a new year.

one

my brothers eat a lot- and when there is food in the house i will give it to them.

i am too ashamed to stand in the free lunch line at school
selfish i know- but it is unberable to have the girls walk by and stare at you like you are the scum underneath their shoes as the walk out to their cars and you buy the left over ham and cheese sandwhiches from the hot lunch line.

i am very skinny and my height doesn't help.
but if you give mefood i will aet it. no matter what it is.
trust me.

i have eaten from garbage cans
(back in the bad days)

but now there is a steady income and we are getting back on our feet.
so life is good.

dont forget me

lies

1. i am anorexic
2. i do drugs
3. i am bulimic
   
4. i don't have any parents
5. i am abused
6. i dont know how to read
7. i slept with the ninth grade english teacher last year
8. connor knows i exist
9. i tried to kill myself
   

today

was a very boring day.

snow snow and more snow.
ice ice and more ice.
runny noses runny noses and more runny noses.
work work and work work.

need i say more?

the cast

of my humble family.

Blake Elliot 14 years old

1. smokes a pack a day
2. has a more colorful vocabulary than a 64 pack of crayola crayons

Dylan Ryan 8 years old

1. my half brother
2. flaming red hair-not quite sure where that came from. probably mutant genes from Kayla.
3. ADD to the max

Erik Jordan 3 years old

1. my half brother
2. blond hair blue eyes-people don't even think we are related. stupid bitchface maria
   
3. hasn't said a word in one year

Ausitn father(?)

1. if someone so nasty could be awarded that title
   

i guess

you guys deserve to know a bit about me.
i get the feeling this will be like a way to track my daily progress.
towards what?
(oh i hear the crowds mumbling to themselves)
i'm not quite sure. i guess it is like all those famous people said.
something about the journey to the destination is the best part?

i'm not sure. my memory is lacking.
let me start off by saying:

my story is one that defies the odds.
and i am damn skippy proud of it.

my mom left the picture when i was three.
my dad likes his scotch. a lot. a bit more than my me, and my three little brothers.

does that sum it up?

Hello World

i am just getting started on this crazy thing called the
"world wide web"

so give me a break when everything goes nuts.

okay?
i think we can deal with that.